Everything's Not Lost
by jandl
Summary: Vaughn's thoughts at Sydney's funeral. full of angst and depressing thoughts. Post the Telling my first alias fanfic, so please be nice.


Disclaimer: Alias belongs to J. J. Abrams, I only own the plot.  
  
A/N: Hi, my name is jandl, this is my first Alias fic, and it might not be very good, but it was haunting me, so I just had to write it. I hope you like. Please review, but no flames, please!  
  
Everything's Not Lost  
  
******************************************************************************************  
  
'Figures it would rain today,' Vaughn thought morosely, as he straightened his tie while leaving his car.  
  
It had been raining steadily for three days; since the day after Sydney had died.  
  
His heart gave an unpleasant lurch and a fresh stream of tears threatened to pour from his eyes as he thought of her.   
  
His mind couldn't seem to wrap itself around the thought that she was dead. When the words "Sydney is dead" ran through his head, it was as if he went brain-dead; his brain wouldn't do anything but repeat those words over and over.  
  
It started to rain harder as he joined the rest of Sydney's friends by the gravesite. Dixon was there with his two kids, crying as he was forced to say goodbye to one who had been not only his partner for eight years, but a dear friend. Marshall was standing awkwardly at the sides, crying openly. Weiss was there, and as Vaughn walked up, Weiss put a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
  
  
  
"You okay there, man?"  
  
"I don't know. Just trying to get through today."  
  
"I know. I never thought we'd be burying her. I mean, she could kick my ass any day. Whoever did this…we've got our work cut out for us in finding them."  
  
  
  
"You mean, you've got *your* work cut out for *you*."  
  
  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I've been doing some thinking since Sydney…I've decided to quit the CIA."  
  
"Mike, I know you're upset about this, but--"  
  
"No, it's not just about that. I realized this isn't the life I want. There were other things I had planned to do, just as Sydney had things she planned to do. This ruined her life, Eric. I mean, neither Will nor Francie could be here today because of it. If it hadn't been for this, she'd still be alive."  
  
Vaughn's voice sounded so broken and wistful, that Weiss didn't push any harder.  
  
"I'm going to miss you, Mike."  
  
"I haven't died."  
  
"Yeah, but I won't see you very much."  
  
"Where's Jack?" Vaughn asked, noticing his absence for the first time.  
  
  
  
"I don't know," responded Weiss, glancing around. "You'd think he'd be here for his only daughter's funeral."  
  
  
  
"Some people prefer to grieve alone," Vaughn reflected. He knew that he for one wanted to be anywhere but where he was. The only reason he was there was to say something at the service. He knew that what he wanted--closure--wouldn't be an affect of this funeral.  
  
Vaughn sat down by the grave, wondering why they were doing this. There was no body in that grave; that coffin was empty; her body was ashes and blood.  
  
The music started and Vaughn lost himself in the music and the bittersweet memories.  
  
He remembered the sweet smiles she would send in his direction that would make his heart sail to the moon and back; the hot passionate kisses that affected him the way nothing else could; and the slow, sweet kisses that showed him how much she loved him, for she had loved him, he could tell, and he wished more than anything that he could have told her how much those feelings were reciprocated--Oh, how he wished he could tell her how his heart beat with endless love for her. But, alas, the time for heart-felt confessions was over. She was gone, and she was never coming back.  
  
'Never coming back,' he thought, dully. How many more times was he going to have to remind himself that? How much longer until the truth would set in and he'd stop having conversations with thin air?  
  
The minister started speaking and Vaughn did his best to pay attention out of love and respect for Sydney.  
  
"We gather today to remember the life of Agent Sydney Bristow--servant of this country, loving daughter, devoted friend…"  
  
The rest of what the minister said faded into the background as his memories once again invaded his mind. The sound of her laugh; the twinkle of her eyes; her beautiful smile; her passion for those closest to her. He remembered her relieved face when she saw in him in CIA headquarters after he'd been cured of the virus; he could see her happy expression when they'd gone to that restaurant in Nice; he remembered the night a few days before when she'd smiled and laughed with him as he'd told her how he'd booked the hotel in Santa Barbara for their vacation. They had been so happy and excited, but then, that same day, she had been…  
  
A tear fell from his eye and hit the ground, mixing with the misty rain.  
  
He felt Dixon's hand on his shoulder and knew it was his time to speak. He walked up to the podium, and suddenly, his mind went blank; he couldn't remember the speech he had prepared, and his throat closed up. He took a deep breath and forced himself to speak, slowly and reverently, straining to find words that would do Sydney justice, all the while trying not to break into hopeless sobs.  
  
  
  
"Sydney was, as we said before, a great agent; some of us were somewhat afraid of her when she'd get angry. She was dedicated to her job, and to the safety of this country. She loved this country so much that she was willing to…"  
  
He stopped to gulp back the tears, and start again, but all he could see was Sydney's exuberant smile. He shook his head to clear it, and kept on going.  
  
"But as good of an agent as Sydney was, her skill was nothing compared to her personality. She was headstrong, and willful, and determined…but she was also forgiving, tenderhearted, compassionate, a devoted daughter, a caring friend, and a loving girlfriend. She would have given her life for everyone here; she'd already risked her life for some of us. She wasn't just the agent we all wished we could be; she was the *person* we all wished we could be.  
  
"I think I can speak for everyone when I say, the world's going to be a much darker and sadder place without Sydney Bristow. She will be forever remembered and eternally missed."  
  
He sat down and the rest of the funeral progressed with Weiss saying some words, then Dixon, then Marshall (who was stuttering almost incoherently), even Kendall had something to say. Then, before he knew it, the funeral was over.  
  
He stood there numbly, accepting condolences. He watched as everyone slowly left, until only he, Weiss, Dixon, and Marshall were left.  
  
They all stood for a while, just reminiscing.   
  
"Well, I better get back to my kids," Dixon said. "See you on Monday."  
  
Vaughn didn't bother telling him that he wouldn't; he just watched as Dixon walked away.  
  
"I-I b-better go, too, because my mom is at home, and she might get worried, and then she might get sick, and it would just be…bad…and not pretty. Well…bye…" said Marshall hurriedly, before rushing off.  
  
Then it was just Vaughn and Weiss standing in the rain, which was now starting to pour.  
  
"What are you going to do now?" asked Weiss.  
  
"I don't know. I might visit my mom in France."  
  
"Tell her I said hi….Look, I know how you're feeling--"  
  
"No, you don't."  
  
"Then explain it to me."  
  
"I loved her, Eric. She was my closest friend. She saved my life. I…I loved her. She was everything to me. Now, everything's lost."  
  
"Let's over exaggerate, shall we? I mean, I know you miss her--hell, I miss her--but, life goes on, man. It doesn't feel like it now, but trust me, it *does* go on."  
  
"Maybe you're right, but for now, it doesn't feel that way. Right now, it feels as though everything has stopped and all I want to do is get drunk."  
  
"Then go ahead. Grieve. Get drunk, but don't forget her."  
  
"Forget her? I could never do that. I just need to stop thinking so much for a while."  
  
"Well, what are you waiting for?"  
  
"I don't want to leave you alone."  
  
"Oh, I was just about to leave anyway."  
  
"Then, I'm going to head out. I'll talk to you later."  
  
Vaughn turned and walked away. He *so* needed more liquor than the human body could handle. Maybe Weiss was right; maybe in time he would be able to see past Sydney, but for now, he would just focus on getting through the next hour. He felt lost, but in his heart, he knew Weiss was right--everything wasn't lost. He just needed some time to convince himself of that.  
  
Weiss watched as Vaughn drove off and glanced back at Sydney's empty grave.  
  
  
  
"We really miss you, Syd."  
  
He started to turn and walk away, but turned back. "He really loves you; probably even more than you loved him, if that's possible. He truly loves you."  
  
As he walked to his car, Weiss prayed to whomever was listening, that Vaughn would believe what he ultimately believed--that everything's not lost. For Weiss knew in his heart, that *nothing* was lost.  
  
FINIS  
  
*~*  
  
Well, there's my uber-sucky fic, but it was haunting me, so I had to write it. This song was inspired by one of my favorite songs by Coldplay (my favorite secular group) called "Everything's Not Lost". Me and a friend of mine are soon going to be writing an Alias/Harry Potter Crossover story, so if any of you like Harry Potter, feel free to check it out. It's under the title of Alias: Mystic, and the story is called "Breaking The Covenant." it should be out soon, so be on the watch for it.  
  
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review, I would very much appreciate it!  
  
Everything's Not Lost:  
  
When I counted up my demons,  
  
Saw there was one for every day.  
  
But with the good ones on my shoulders,  
  
I drove the other ones away.  
  
So if you ever feel neglected,  
  
If you think that all is lost,  
  
I'll be counting up my demons,  
  
Hoping everything's not lost.  
  
When you thought that it was over,  
  
You could feel it all around  
  
When everybody's out to get you,  
  
Don't you let it drag you down.  
  
So, if you ever feel neglected,  
  
If you think that all is lost,  
  
I'll be counting up my demons hoping everything's not lost  
  
So, if you ever feel neglected,  
  
If you think that all is lost,  
  
I'll be counting up my demons hoping everything's not lost  
  
Singing out  
  
Ah, ah, ah, yeah  
  
Ah, come on, yeah  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
Come on, yeah  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
And everything's not lost  
  
Come on, yeah  
  
Come on, yeah  
  
Everything's not lost  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
Sing out, yeah  
  
Oh, come on, yeah  
  
Ah, ah yeah  
  
And everything's not lost  
  
Come on, yeah  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
Everything's not lost  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
Come on, yeah  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
And everything's not lost  
  
Sing out, yeah  
  
Come on, yeah  
  
And everything's not lost  
  
Ah, ah, yeah  
  
A/N: well, those were the lyrics to "everything's not lost," by Coldplay. (I love that song!) I know, there are a lot of ah, ah yeahs in there, but it's a really pretty song. Anyways, please review, I would very much appreciate it.  
  
Lots of Love,  
  
jandl 


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